I write this as I peek through the swollen eyes that brought me to this screen. I'm not quite sure if this is a solution, an act of healing or a forum for expression. What I do know is that I must write.
Sadness and loss has engulfed and trapped me. I yearn to be free and recover my life, my self...me. It doesn't really matter what it is that I grieve or how I got to this point. I believe that loss and depression, anger and fear know no particular construct or give preference to what experience generates the greatest doses. They just are. They are a part of the human condition. And, I've found that especially in today's times, it's incredibly difficult to hear the soothing voice of calm, of knowing, of peace. It's so easy to become overwhelmed...or to ignore the deepest cries of release.
I don't want this title to mislead anyone. It is not based in any religious doctrine. God simply is who or what you intend. The title came out of a small, tiny moment last night as I wretched and cried and tried to find reason in the chaos. I felt small and vulnerable and held on to my amazing, sweet, all loving Cairn Terrier and cried. I bring him up because it is through him that I connected to the thought that we all curl up to something when we're in need. There is something so simple and pure in the act. I suppose, if you really want to analyze it, it's much like where we all came from. Curled up in the warmth of the womb.... protected, secure, safe, nourished, trusting and without fear.
Then I thought that perhaps that's all God really wants us to realize. It is so within our reach to simply curl up to God and the force of life, of nurturing and of peace. In this day and age, we are so bombarded by stimuli that it is a wonder we're all not curled up in corners trying to drown it all out. For me, last night, in my own pain and darkness, I realized that possibly if I started my own search of the evidence of curling up to God, that I may hear the stillness instead of the screech of chaos. My sobs ebbed and slowed down as I actually yearned for a pen to write the flow of images I saw...images of this act of curling up. Instead, I let it wash over me as I knew so desperately my body craved sleep and replenishment. I vowed, before I drifted off, to start writing again. To let the words and images, whether in story, prose, poetry or a simple word-thought, to flow from me.
I believe, that somehow on this journey, I will uncover how I can find ways to curl up to that love, peace and stillness that is God.
